NSCC: Counseling Center - Dealing with Perfectionism

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Dealing with Perfectionism

Note: This page provides information only. It is not meant to replace a face-to-face consultation with a trained counselor. If this is an emergency, please contact 911 or the local emergency number found in your area phone book. Seattle residents can find local help through the Crisis Clinic listed on the Counseling Contact page.

Recognize The Difference Between Guilt And Perfectionism

Trying to improve ourselves and feeling guilty when we do not meet our personal standards are very common and powerful human emotions.

Guilt is important. It is an internal alarm that buzzes whenever we act in ways that do not fit our conception of "right" behavior. The desire to avoid the pangs of guilt helps people to study in school, work conscientiously, and to live cooperatively within their communities.
While guilt usually is a positive emotion -- gently nudging us toward behaviors that fit society's and our standards -- perfectionism occurs when guilt runs out of control. When we generate harsh unreasonable demands and then punish ourselves for not meeting them, guilt becomes damaging and self-defeating. This is called perfectionism.

Try To Distinguish Between Reasonable And Unreasonable Self-Demands

Here are some guidelines that may help you distinguish between reasonable and unreasonable self-demands:

Perfection is unattainable. Mistakes will, and even must, happen. Blaming yourself for not managing every detail at school, home, or work is a useless exercise. Don't fret. Do your best, then go on.
You cannot constantly be patient and good-natured, even toward people you love. Many people feel terrible when they are irritable or impatient, especially toward parents, spouses, and children. Their perfectionism says, "I must be a bad person to feel this way." It is normal sometimes to feel anger with those we love. Look for ways to discharge anger harmlessly. Talk about things which bother you before they become big issues. Try moderate exercise as a way to relax. Schedule pleasant activities for yourself.
If you have done something that is against your moral or ethical values -- accept it and put it behind you. Apologize if you can, correct the misdeed in whatever way seems proper and then go on with your life. Think twice if confessing will hurt an innocent person. Tell yourself that you have done it, that it was an act with which you are displeased, and that it is behind you.

Do What Is Right For You

Societies develop messages about what we should do to be successful and fulfilled. For example, American culture tends to stress individual, ever-upward financially-conspicuous achievement. Asian cultures often stress meeting family obligations and educational advancement. Some people feel pressured by society's urgings and criticize themselves if they do not meet them perfectly. They try to become super-human, deeply involved with their families and communities while seeking ever greater responsibilities at school and work. Do not feel guilty if you are happy with your present situation, present level of responsibility, and/or present level of income. More is not necessarily better.

Praise Yourself

Counter your perfectionist tendencies. Tell yourself, "Good work. I'm doing the best I can given the situation, that's all I can ask of anyone."
Seek professional help to better appreciate yourself and to develop other strategies for dealing with perfectionism.

For more individual help in managing your perfectionism, NSCC students can contact the Counseling Center to make an appointment with a counselor.